28 de Enero 2004

" I have nothing to say... "

Really I don't....

I am a chronic procrastinator. Lawd help me LOL Always wait until the last minute to do any dang thing. And why? For what? Why can't I just get it done right then and there? Maybe because my creative juices don't flow until I am up against the wall, eh? Yeah right, I'm not particularly creative, so that can't be it. Or maybe I just function better under pressure...that might be it. But do I ever live up to my full potential when I am under pressure? I don't think so...Yea, I deliver, but is it ever my best? Hardly. I amaze myself sometimes with what I do come up with, but there's always something better. So why am I fearful of demonstrating my best? What is THAT all about?

Thing is, I am sitting on some stuff now. I really need to go ahead and DO these things so I can move forward. I have about 9, 10 months to the finish line for this part of the journey. I have less than 3 to get out the starting blocks for the next part, so why the hell am I procrastinating?!?!?! Lawd help me LOL

The first day of the rest of your life, so they say....I betta get on with it then!!

~More to come~

25 de Enero 2004

Bienvenidos al mundo de Morena

Soy ella. Me da alegre que has venido a visitarme.

Espero que me escribas en mi "log" que se pueda volver el favor.

That's a hearty welcome to those of you

que no habla espanol. I need more practice,can't you tell? LOL

I've been playing online, oh I guesssince about 1999. But I have known the bulk

of y'all since the Blaqcity/Urbandour days, meaning the last

couple years or so. So much has changed,yet, much has remained the same, eh?

If nothing else,I remained entertained by it all LOL!!

My task in 2004 is to work on graphics.

Last year,I wanted to get a handle on the

music

the whole FTP thing, using my OWN files.

This year, I wanna concentrate on learning how to

manipulate photos and images.

And as much as I LOVE myself, y'all better

learn to love seeing alot of ME!!LMAO

2004...my time flies.

I literally remember what I was doing 10 years ago!

Who'd a thunk it?

Zhane was rotating through my world

I was working on Capitol Hill

I was falling in love, for the very first time

we were all soon to be 21...official adulthood

watch out world HAHAHAHA LMAO!!

Ten years later, the world is still spinning...

and I am still in one piece, heart, mind, and soul.

My 30s are full of new horizons and challenges,

and for once, I feel "prepared" if you will, to face them.

That "just wing it" feeling isn't so prevalent

and believe it or not I do know SOME things now LOL

Yet, there is still much to learn and experience.

Pray tell, I'll be able to remember it all10 years from NOW!!LOL

I leave you with a current snapshot of

that which moves in Morena's world:

I'm listening to...Rachelle Ferrell

I'm reading...A Love Noire

I'm paying attention to...the 2004 Presidential race

I'm watching...Arrested Development

I'm going...places, and my travel calendar is filling up nicely LOL

Anything else you want insight on, check out my journal

or my pics, they change from time to time.

Don't forget to leave word you were here...

Peace and Blessings ~ Morena

22 de Enero 2004

"The "challenge" of just being me "

If I have ANY friends by the time this week is over, it'll be a miracle. Whew, lawd. I don't know if folks are just a tad more sensitive than usual, or if I am a tad more harsh, but folks got their thongs and boxers all in a ball this week, over seemingly the littlest ish. Lawd haf mercy!!!

I keep getting reminded of the lil promises I made to work on some thangs, the "challenges" that I must overcome, so to speak. So maybe my viewpoint is different than theirs, but is that a "challenge?" Nah, I don't think so. The "challenge" is for me to even consider their viewpoint at all -- to let go of the "I am always RIGHT" mentality. So when I do concede that theirs is valid, they shouldn't mock me, or take me less than serious. Consider my effort genuine. Perhaps, I need to be reminded from time to time that I have these "challenges" but that is what friends and loved ones are there for -- to keep me on task. No one ever said it would be easy; and yes, I can be quite crass at times, but my peeps know what they are dealing with, so why all of a sudden is everyone tripping?!? I'm trying, really I am!! LOL So, I just need for them to support me in dealing with my "challenges"; Because anything less, and they'll get their feelings hurt again, and we won't be any better off than when we started down this road!!!

And for gods sake, please stop preaching at me. I don't know in what lifetime they thought THAT M.O. would work with me LMAO You learn over time to deal with people individually. You have different methods of interacting, various "pre-emptive strikes" if you will. I got called on one of those today. Ok, so I admit it wasn't a wise choice, and I had to humble myself. Ok fine, lesson learned - change tactics hehehehehe LOL I just wish others would learn that when dealing with me as well. Then maybe we won't have another week like THIS one again anytime soon....

18 de Enero 2004

" Sunday...early evening "
It's been a weekend, and it ain't ova yet!!

My girlfriend's father passed. Overall, it just hasn't been a good time for her. She was just laid off, her husband is only working p/t, she has a damn orphanage (or at least what us childless friends of hers call an orphanage - 5 kids, under the age of 13, LOL) and her father's body is in Nigeria. So, its been a weekend of raising money to get them all over to the Continent and paying respects to the family. You know how we do, we eat LMAO I feel like I've been slaving in a kitchen the entire weekend!!! I'm just glad I was there when she called. Home sick with a splitting headache, I live the closest to her, I was available and able to get to her first. Like she said, where we work, or where I still work -- it's not about the work, it's about the relationships. That is what we are there for, for I have met and become close to some fabulous, warm, caring women. People that I do consider, friends. And I have never been big on friends at the office. But she has been there for me so many times, I could never repay her enough. So I go, and listen, and comfort, and make sure that damn orphanage is fed LOL

When I haven't been slaving in someone's kitchen, I've been playing negro geography. Can we say splitting headache!?!? I love my girl L, but I just can't stomach pretentious Black folks, lawd haf mercy. And she is so down-to-earth, but her folks!! If somebody asks me what I do, one mo' 'gin....I swear I hate that question...that shit don't define who the fuck I am. The better question is what aren't you doing? Get outta my damn face and work on ya own damn credentials. Negroes, I swear!!!

Sooo...it's the annual back in da day/ol'skool party tonight. Funny thing, calling it a King Day jam. I just don't see booty-shaking, get-ya-groove-on funk sessions as worthy of being called a Dr. King celebration, but what do I know? I'm the one going to hell for dropping it like it's hot to "Shake that booty in the name of Jesus, shake the booty in the name of the Lord!" That really is a song, I couldn't make that up if I tried LMAO

Lemme peel outta these clothes and get up to make this peach cobbler, sweets tend to raise spirits, yanno? LOL

temprano - 18 de Enero 2004

" My Sensitivity "

I'm having a Luther moment.

This all started when I was in the checkout yesterday and saw the latest Jet with Luther on the cover. Luther look good, ya'll!!! I am so glad he is recovering and I do hope he is well enough to make the Grammy's next month. That would be wonderful to see him in public again.

But, yea so I've pulled out a few of my favorite Luther CDs. Mindtripping down memory lane. I recall when I first "heard" of Luther, "...Creep creep creep creep..." was the hit of the day back then. Little did I know about THAT LMAO Geesh, I had to be like what, 11 or 12? I was in 7th grade, I do remember that because I was being bused to school and always up before the crack of dawn and KJLH always played "Wait for Love" early in the morning, before the 6am show kicked in.....and I would watch the sunrise from my bedroom window with Luther singing: "...so hold on tight if you think you're right, cuz nothin' hurts as bad as when you see, you gave up too easily..." Maybe I know too much about THAT!!

I've always liked the lesser known, less commercially rotated Luther cuts...mostly older stuff, "Anyone Who Had a Heart," "I, Who Have Nothing," "Promise Me," "Forever, For Always, For Love," "Other Side of the World" to name a few.

Then there's "Never Let Me Go." That was soooo gonna be my engagement song, when I first heard it. My daydreams still see me and the Mr. twirling around the dance floor to that tune....

"Give me the right
In summer or in spring time
To tell the world that forever, for always, for love, you'll be mine
and that you'll never let me go"

Sadly, I have that album on cassette, so I don't listen to it much. Maybe I need to give my new tape deck a whirl in the car LOL

Now one song I was never fond of was "Here and Now." That just wasn't my joint. I think it got too much airplay, talk about sick of hearing it LOL But I can't say I have an absolute favorite, cuz the moment I proclaim such, another leaps to mind. "If This World Were Mine," "Make Me a Believer," ....where would I even begin to say I had one favorite? LOL

But in having my Luther moment this evening, I can say my Luther song of the day is "My Sensitivity."

"You tell me that you love me
Before I'm sure you really do
You say you love me more and more each day
And that's when my sensitivity gets in the way"

It's been a day, my emotions are raw, feelings tossed, nerves slightly on edge....definitely sensitive right about now, about quite a few, very personal things. Gonna let Luther continue to soothe my soul this evening.

~More to come~

10 de Enero 2004

" Protection...is Everything "

Pearl Cleage is one of my favorite authors. I don't think I've disliked a thing she has written. Her latest offering, "Some Things I Never Thought I'd Do" has me reconsidering my top ten list. This is definitely a top 5 favorite.

A couple themes from the text resonated with me; one being protection. At one point, her protagonist, Gina says: "The idea of protection is so central to everything that goes on between men and women, even when we don't admit it. Probably especially when we don't admit it..." Gina goes on to say in reference to the central male figure of the book: "..His unequivocal acceptance of the traditional male role appealed to me on a truly visceral level, but did that mean I had to become a more traditional female to balance things out?"

And I found myself saying, "Yanno?!?!?!" LOL

The other theme that captured my attention was the around the question of what happens next, particularly in love. So Gina goes: "...The question of what lies ahead. The question of what we're getting ready to do. The question of what we will probably upset in the life of the other one. The question of what I'm prepared to give if he really is prepared to take it. To all those questions, I have only one answer: EVERYTHING."

Another, "That's what I'm sayin'" moment here LOL

I think about the relationships I am privvy to witness and I wonder how much of EVERYTHING is really shared, taken, given, received or even welcomed. And the inherent vulnerability in such action. I talk to my sistas and brothas and what I hear is that we all want protection of some sort. No, we don't admit it, but it comes out through our various quests for that one she or he for which everything is EVERYTHING and we can feel protected in knowing they feel the same.

But must I change my role? I've been fairly independent all my life. Liberal in my thinking, at times transgressive in my action. But an admirer of the traditional roles from afar, as to not offend my post-feminist sensibilities. W-h-a-t-e-v-a!! I say bring on the protection. As a woman, what I really need is for a man to act as one, and for me to have the common sense and good will to allow him to. Conversely, he allow me to contribute as a woman can. Be that in all aspects of my life. Protection. When allowed, I believe it can be provided by both men and women to one another. And THAT is the basis for EVERYTHING.

My sistas and brothas, yes, me too....along our various, unique journeys..."Some Things I Never Thought I'd Do".... yea, basically LOL

temprano - 10 de Enero 2004

" My ish is sooo random.... "

My musical moment of the day, courtesy of:

"Who Do You Love?" by Bernard Wright

"Feel Me" by Cameo

"I Can't Wait" by Soul Tempo
"Weak at the Knees" by Slave or is it solely Steve Arrington?


What I'm liking about this spot is I can clear my head of those silly, crazy, random thoughts about absolute nonsense. Folks can see how touched I really am LOL. Since my "special" side doesn't come through the screen much. It's soo much easier to say things than type them, but y'all don't hear me though, yanno? So we'll see what comes of this....

Oh, add "Hold On" by RJ's Latest Arrival to the song of the day. Circa 1985...Anybody know where I can find that?


Sooo....I had dream about this baby. Not quite certain if it was mine, though. But I was clearly it's primary caretaker. It was so small, so delicate. We're at some kinda spanish-style hacienda. KP was there, as was her betrothed. I get the impression I was visiting her there. And I had to change this baby, although the baby bag didn't have any diapers in it. Not much in the bag at all, but I didn't trip, for some reason I didn't think the baby needed diapers, if I just pulled up his lil draws. Babies don't wear draws, do they?!?! LMAO Plus, he'd be shooting all over the joint, if a diaper didn't tame that thing LMAO. Yea, it was a baby boy. But he didn't cry, he was pretty quiet and slept soundly once I put him down. He didn't have on enough clothes, now that I think about it. He had on a t-shirt, and a diaper once I found one and some baby drawz over that. Clearly this ain't my child cuz he would be bundled up and DRESSED if he was LOL. He was sleeping so soundly and was so little and precious. I remember putting him down, looking out a window, and seeing the pool and jacuzzi and thinking, "Before we go, I need to get in that jacuzzi!" I don't think I ever made it to the jacuzzi cuz the next thing I remember is a cab pulling up and me putting the baby and my things together so we could go. Go where though? Who knows, cuz by that time I rolled over and woke the hell up, not a baby in sight LOL Thank gawd, cuz clearly I ain't ready for this LMAO

3 de Enero 2004

" Another 5 am.... "

The Chicken and Waffles Part II recap: written sometime the early afternoon of January 1, 2004...

"Fertile Ground lulled us to sleep...we were on the downstroke by this time. Last I looked at my watch it was a quarter to 7am....

25 pounds of chicken - fried and Ken's Teriyaki Special, over 50 waffles, a runaway Spades game, a male bonding session on the porch, and a 5am Milkshake contest (w/ Monica's Baranga remix, tankuberrymuch) later, all I had left to show for it was a broken chair.

Woke up to glorious blue skies -- the ice is still frozen in the cooler and ice buckets outside on the porch. Drinks still cold from being outside overnight. Mo-Ken-Steph, we will help ourselves to some hot waffles and fresh chicken when we finally pick ourselves up off the living room floor.

A very special thanks to those that made it through. We hope you had a damn good time with plenty of good memories! For those of you that missed it, look for the photos soon and part III, next year, is at Felicia's :)

Happy 2004!!"


Well, actually, closer to 30 pounds of chicken wings, about 6 or 7 more waffles, another bottle of that cheap Cook's champagne, a broken waffle iron, and 2 broken chairs by the time I got EVERYONE outta my house come midnight January 1 LOL

I've been up everyday at 5 am since, either on the way to bed or something wakes me up. In any case, I already have confirmation that 2004 is my year of fulfilling growth. Yet, the areas I want to specifically focus on are career and religion.

I'm clearly gonna have to bite the bullet, and do some serious soul searching and attitude adjustment around my career path, options, goals, etc. I need some peace in that area. One way or another I'll change careers, develop new skill sets, and find a position that brings long sought after personal contentment and professional joy, be it in the world of work, or as a full time stay-at-home wife and mom. But my career fulfillment has to be realized, the sooner the better.

My spirituality has never wavered, even as my faith has been tested. My talks with God come more frequently and I am witnessing the power of his spirit. But more is needed for my full and complete sustenance and I have to face my limitations and challenges to acheive that. Safe in HIS arms is where I want to be.

So it's close to 6 now...maybe I should try SLEEP again LOL