26 de Noviembre 2003

" Sooo...I've been napping "

And now that means I am gonna be wide-azzed-awake for hours LOL

I needed the rest -- my dreams have been vivid, challenging. Meaning fitful bouts of sleep of late. I do wonder what they are telling me. Such gut-wrenching emotions displayed -- tears, yelling, screaming, outbursts of rage, evil words exchanged; in unfamiliar locales -- whose homes am I in? why is it so seemingly isolated?; the players -- my family, certain friends, faces unknown. It makes no sense at the moment. And when I wake up, I'm left with a feeling that I've been through the wrath -- yet, I can't always remember what it was. Maybe I need a drink HAHAHA...whew!!

What am I thankful for? 'Tis the day before Thanksgiving, one of my favorite holidays and the kick off to my absolute favorite time of the year. I am thankful for every experience life brings me -- I try to capture a lesson from every twist, every turn. Apply it to what comes next so I can grow from the experience in some way.

I am thankful for my gifts, my abilities, my talents and the time and the opportunity to share with those I care for, my family, my friends, my confidants. For the blessings they share with me -- everything is reciprocal and I am rather thankful for that.

I am thankful I awoke from my nap to tap these words out, and now I am hungry. So being thankful for the food that is in the house and that which will provide sustenance tomorrow, I gotta go feed that hunger LOL

May everyone have a blessed day of thanks and giving!!

~More to Come~

20 de Noviembre 2003

" 5 Bold Steps: 1 Year Later "

A year ago I was in Portland...further developing my leadership potential. I wrote myself a letter:

"...It's time to move forward. Re-tool my next bold steps to achieve my passionate vision. Stop running and step off the spin cycle - stop being tossed around this metaphorical dryer and get folded and fresh. I have a great network of support...to rely on to keep me on task -- reach out and let them know! Stay encouraged -- for so many people have faith in my talents, skills and abilities! I must be confident and appreciative of what I am capable of and know that this situation will improve and that I will reach peaceful contentment and professional joy!!"

6 months ago, I revisited this letter and spoke of promise:
"...Daily I get chances and have choices to make things different. It's springtime now - the proverbial time to begin anew. There is much promise in my world; and I am latching onto that for the rest of the seasons:
Promise . . . in my career development
Promise . . . in my home sphere
Promise . . . on my spiritual path
Promise . . . in my relationship journey
Promise . . . in love."

Where am I? I haven't complete my 5 Bold Steps, and what is this...a year and a half later?! My challenges are still there - scratch that - I've overcome one challenge, but the others remain. What I value hasn't changed: growth and education, feeling good and my well-being, improved, committed relationships and quiet time and personal space. But I am NOT letting my supports do just that - support me. Which is why only 2 of my vision circles have been partially achieved.

I'm becoming "wise." Which means I need to redo this, tailor it to the vision I wish to create for the future as I see it now, not from nearly 2 years ago. Promise is still there, I just need to redefine what it takes to harness that to achieve my goal ----> Peaceful contentment (personal, spiritual, emotional, mental, etc.) and professional joy.

~More to come~

12 de Noviembre 2003

" Am I being tested? In more ways than one.... "

I got my new car....car numero 4, is it? I did ASK for it afterall. I like it, still loving coupes no need for 4 doors...yet!! But am I still slightly apprehensive about driving, especially in the rain? Vestiges of what has happened....but I am excited about testing the limits, learning what my ride can do!!

I keep getting called up...having to step up to the plate, demonstrate. No longer able to languish in the shadows undisturbed, ready to cause rebellion, be the comic relief, simply be the listener. Why has it taken this long I ask? What is really expected of me? Why do I care? I plug on....

This intrigue has consumed me...declarations of a future intertwined. I asked for this, too, didn't I? I can have it....so where do my questions come from? Is it a desire to not repeat the past? Is it reaffirming and clarifiying what the future holds?

I can't keep putting things off. But am I putting things off so much as trying to handle too much? A reprieve, yea that is what I want....some time OFF for a change. Yep, fall has tested me....I am winding down and making sure to capture the lessons.

~More to Come~

8 de Noviembre 2003

" I meant to put this up yesterday but never got around to it....I was distracted,imagine that LOL "

KP resigned today, broke my bosses' heart, yes she did!! Ruined his whole weekend. It took him longer than I thought it would to appear in my office, but he finally did, Oreo cookies in hand. He needed to commiserate. Man, his itching and scratching was outta control but at least he wasn't staring at my MoJos like he normally does. Stacey swears the man was crying when he came to ask her if our Sr. VP was in the office today. As usual, I am rather amused. Can't wait 'til Wednesday when the rest of the team returns!! Maybe this is the start of another wave of resignations, cuz lawd knows I can't wait until it's MY turn. My letter is gonna be short: "You've seen me for the last time. Clean my office out, I don't want none of that shit. But Stitch belongs to me. Well, Stich and all my artifacts from Central America - I'ze gonna be expecting that packed up nicely and Fedexed damnit!!" Whew....LMAO

I didn't do jack shit today. It's not gonna get any better. I am gonna get lazier and lazier as the holidays approach. Less than 30 days to 30...ain't gonna be no damn good. I am rethinking whether or not I need malaria meds since SOMEONE done went and caught the 3rd world heebee geebees. He didn't think he'd get sick and did, and I always plan to get sick and don't. Ain't tryna test my luck as I hit the big 3-0.

Heading out...been lazy enough around these hea partz.

5 de Noviembre 2003

" Starting off... "

First day here....

Sooo....I saw my ex today. First time in over 3 years. THAT was a sign -- yea, I am definitely on the right path NOW. That brief encounter was the closure to our final riotous incident. What lies ahead can proceed unencumbered by trite inquiries of what happened before. It was sooo liberating, and I had no idea I was still shackled....

What lies ahead....will take work. But I want it, I want it passionately and completely and I want it to further shape and define "me." I am not yet convinced it can be as simple as he makes it sound....but never have I wanted anything like this.

~More to Come~