Be VeRy AfRaId...It JuSt MiGhT biTe U N dA aZz

21 de Abril 2004

2004-04-21T19:04:00.000-04:00

" Rules for a Pretty Woman "

1) I will not allow ANYONE to control me.

2) I will only change to suit myself.

3) I will follow my dreams.

4) I will never again put my life on hold for a man!

5) I will not risk my life to save anyone's reputation.

6) No man is worth suffering over.

7) I will never again go fetch the beer.

8) I won't make love unless it feels right.

9) I will heed the warnings of my inner voice.

10) My son comes first.

People make time for what they want. If he wants to see me, he knows how to reach me. There is nothing complicated about us getting together more than once a month. He has to take the time to eat, to go to the bank, to get groceries, work out, or go to the toilet once in a while. Why not time for me? I have to do something besides waiting for us to get started. Do something. Remember Rule 4: I will never again put my life on hold for a man.

~ Dr. Lenny Faulkner as written by Suzette Francis

13 de Marzo 2004

2004-03-13T19:04:00.000-05:00

" Love Unlimited "

He told me that he loved me. I asked him to stop.

Give that love to someone else, because of that which he was proving to me, it would never be enough. His love threshold is much lower than mine.

I'm very fond of saying, "I know what love is, and what it isn't." But if he says the same, yet they don't correspond, what have we got left?

Truly subjective, isn't it? If we each define what love is, can you teach someone how to love you to your satisfaction? Do people naturally aspire to love more, or better? Or when juxtaposed to another's experience, only then do the "shortcomings" appear...and how do you get past that?

Can anyone ever live up to another's definition of love?

1 de Marzo 2004

2004-03-01T19:03:00.000-05:00

" So, it's March 1st... "

and I've fooled around long enough!!

It's past due time for me to get back on track, this "fierceness" plan wasn't just a birthday gag. Never did quite make my target, but that is what the NEXT 3 months are for, right?

I've put the popcorn down, and picked up my water bottle. I know now that you can kill cravings with water. Which is why I always have my water bottle around. It's not hard to do, I just have to FOCUS. My focus has been lacking lately -- distractions and disturbances of another sort have had my attention. But it's less than 3 months until Memorial Day, and I love a vacation as a target goal. If Ican stay focused during all the interim stops in between, I should be good to go. Not to mention, the hair will come off after that...so I've got thangs to do!! LOL

29 de Febrero 2004

2004-02-29T19:01:00.000-05:00

" Chocolate Made Brilliant "

"Chocolate is better in color."

Saw that on an M&M billboard today as I was heading up New York Ave.

I have to say I couldn't agree more ~smile~

And M&Ms are good in any color LOL

~More to Come~

tarde - 22 de Febrero 2004

2004-02-22T18:59:00.000-05:00

"I found it...The Pressure, Pt.2 "

"I know, just who to call on, when I need relief I pray...
To help me fight...the pressure, the pressures of the world, ooooh the pressure the pressure...."

In my futile search for the mix tape I have with "The Pressure, Part 2" by the Sounds of Blackness on it, I've been shuffling through tapes I haven't listened to in YEARS. Ok, so that's a lie...I listened to alot of them when Hurricane Isabel hit and there wasn't much else to do without power, nor a hurricane honey, but I digress....

All Seasons - Levert
I Will Always Love You - Troop
Flavor of the Month - Blacksheep
I Do Love You - Bell Biv Devoe
Jackin' for Beats - Ice Cube
Special - Vesta (this be my jam right hea now, luvs me some Vesta!!)
Always - Cherrelle and Pebbles

Back in the day, I guess I was rather fond of love songs...wasn't 'til I got jaded that I picked up this fondness for songs about love lost, but anyhoo LMAO

Still haven't found what I'm looking for, so it's time to make that CD purchase. The BN gift card comes in nicely, especially since Evolution of Gospel is on sale. I will hear what I need to, soon enough.

"I know, just who to call on, when I need relief I pray...
To help me fight...the pressure, the pressures of the world, ooooh the pressure the pressure...."

Da Jams #2 -- I KNEW IT!!! My memory is pretty damn good when it comes to my tapes. I just couldn't find it. Turns out, I'd put it in a different case last time I gave it a listen. So it wasn't where it was SUPPOSED to be. But persistence paid off. I found it.

"I know, just who to call on, when I need relief I pray...
To help me fight...the pressure, the pressures of the world, ooooh the pressure the pressure...."

This has to be circa 1991-92, with some ol' Miles Davis thrown in for good measure cuz he'd just passed:

Make Sure You're Sure - Stevie Wonder
Are You Still in Love With Me - Keith Washington
Loving You is So Easy - 101 North
and a perennial favorite...I, Who Have Nothing - Luther Vandross and Martha Wash

But the last cut on the tape...When Will I See You Smile Again - BBD...yep, that must be when my cynicism kicked in. Been feeling the love lost ever since LOL

22 de Febrero 2004

2004-02-22T18:58:00.000-05:00

" The Pressure Pt.2 "

My mom is blowing up my phone.

First call is about some email she sent. Moms, I'm in the middle of something. My responses are clipped and curt...can't she tell?

Second one is about something she needs me to edit -- I am her personal indentured servant, but again, can't this wait?

Phone rings one mo' time and I'm swearing before I even pick it up. She drops THIS on me:

"Your cousin called to inform me she is having a baby on Monday afternoon."

INHALE, EXHALE...deeply.

I know she means well, and meant no harm, but right about now I am REALLY sensitive to such things.

She says: "Thought you'd get a kick out of this, so I had to remember to tell you before I forgot."

I'm gonna chalk this up to Moms wanting my attention right about now, and not let my feelings get hurt because I'm unable to give her the grandbabies she wants me to give her.

And my initial reaction may have sounded really cruel, but I meant no harm either....

Soo...this is baby number 4 in the last 5 years. I had to ask, if she'd see her at all lately and she NOT be pregnant? Moms couldn't say -- which was my point -- but I've asked for forgiveness for that snide remark about my cousin's weight. She didn't deserve that....

But how does she do it? Four different pregnancies. In 5 years. Now she's getting her tubes tied. Guess it's too late to ask her to carry one for me, eh? LOL And she's not quite 30....about where I was a year or so ago. Fluck all the dumb, I'm amazed that her body can sustain that. I'd gone round and round about having no more than 4 in 10 years, and here goes my cousin dropping them in 5. Before I've even started.

I wonder if Moms called my sister...I very much doubt it. She'll be at the hospital come Monday with my cousin. Tell me before you forgot...

W-h-a-t-e-v-a...

The Pressure Pt. 2...where is my Sounds of Blackness tape when I need it most?

20 de Febrero 2004

2004-02-20T18:58:00.000-05:00

" I'm allowed.... "

to "grieve" how I want to
...to open my doors wide and blast my music
...to eat whatever the hell I want to
...to put my phone on DND when I am tired of it ringing
...to focus on my "work" when I need to clear my mind
...to let my momma fly across the country to see if I am "alright"
...to let the fellaz take me out
...to taste test the sangria until I taste nothing else (damn that sangria is a mutha LMAO)
...to blame Fe for dragging me to La Tasca to taste test the sangria
...to say no to the cookies, and yes to that bag of carrots!
...to say yes to the M&Ms and no to that fat-free yogurt!
...to fill my springtime with travel, even if it's to places I've been before
...to be a gardner and cultivate new friendships in these places I've been before
...to fall asleep at 6pm and wake up at 2am
...to get my aches massaged, my skin cleansed, my body wrapped, and my toesies and fingers polished
...to go about my living...blessed for each new day, and the opportunity it brings, to do things MY way.

I'm allowed...in my own time, in my own way.

And I'll be o.k.....

15 de Febrero 2004

2004-02-15T18:57:00.000-05:00

" I got hit on the left, but the pain still lingers... "

I got hit on the left....but the pain still lingers on the right.

The massage therapist took one look at me and said my back and shoulder muscles were still contorted; my shoulders uneven. Some what, 5 months, later? I ache, I'm stiff, I'm sore and tense. I was broadsided on the left but everything shifted to my right side...what is that all about?

I got hit on my left side...but my right side blew up, well all of me is blowing up. Lawd haf mercy, nothing like a hit to the heart to make one realize what an emotional crutch food can be! I honestly never realized that about myself before. There's been plenty written about the phenomenon, and it's much discussed -- how people turn to food for comfort, knowingly or unknowingly, and how excessive "comforting" if you will, can actually be BAD for one's health -- physical, emotional, mental.

So I had to back away from the coconut cake LOL Neither that extra slice of cake, nor that catfish platter was gonna stop the hurt. Kill my fierceness plan, yes. But make me feel better...buffer my heart? Nah, not a chance.

Time...that's all I've got, that is all it takes. I thought that about these muscle strains as well, but me thinks another deep tissue massage will do wonders. Perhaps even speed up the healing. Touch is such a powerful thing....it does wonders for the body AND for the soul -- the heart, too. A lil more touching and a lil less cheesecake and I'll be good to go, on my left and my right sides!!

~More to come~

11 de Febrero 2004

2004-02-11T18:56:00.000-05:00

" Excellence is the enemy of Mediocre...and I must crush my enemies LMAO "

Sooo...I'm combing through our files for sample risk management policies and come across this quote in an article:

"Why let the fact that you are barely adequate in almost all respects depress you or make you unhappy? After all, someone has to be average. It may as well be you."

After a few hearty OMG's and much laughter out loud, I stopped doing what I was supposed to be doing and skimmed through the rest of that article. Other quotes that leapt out at me include:

"Do you strive for perfection? Do you spend countless hours doing and redoing just to get something right?...If so you may be a victim of perfection compulsion, the relentless drive to achieve excellence regardless of the cost in dollars or time. Yet deep in your heart you know that you are not up to the task...Yet you keep trying anyway and as a result you become unhappier and more dissatisfied every day. Now comes a startling revelation--excellence is a sucker's game!"

This quote and plenty others, in addition to making me chuckle, set off a light bulb. I've been thinking this way for at least the last couple years -- no, how long have I been at this job? Make that almost 3 years. I gave up striving for "excellence" because, not only did people expect less, I'd never get anything from it, but more headaches, more work, and we all know I am inherently lazy. Particularly about ish I don't give a damn about. As the author also said: "Accept mediocrity and find peace." My sentiments exactly!!

So yes, this article is probably tongue-in-cheek, but I find it to rather on point. As he stated, "In a world were the bar is constantly being raised higher, where better and faster are the ultimate values, you will learn to cultivate a healthy fear of excellence and come to appreciate that oftentimes, 'just okay' is plenty good enough." Well, I find that to be true more often than not. And while I appreciate that I not much effort is needed to impress anyone, the one critical flaw in this thinking is that constant mediocrity never allows you to fully express yourself. And I find it hinders your growth process. You can't push yourself and test or expand your limits if you let the "I don't really give a damn" attitude go unrestrained.

I think about my team members, one of which is clearly an "excellence striver" and I know I will NEVER be as driven about this ish as she. Nor do I try. As the author stated: "Is our search for excellence getting in the way of real achievement? We love to pat ourselves on the back for doing a quality job, but what do we really accomplish?" This particular team member is notorious for redoing stuff over and over again, and asking for input and buy-in, and I humor her for the sake of my amusement until those days when I've had enough and tell her to just let it fly (that's my mediocrity rising to the top!!) But I say forget excellence, and do what you can because, mediocre wins every time. Who is really gonna check you anyway?

So far, it's gotten me through nearly 3 years of this...sentence, but that flaw in this thinking haunts me because I realize I've wasted 3 years being mediocre and perhaps that is why I really can't pull off this job search with success. THIS place may promote mediocrity, but the rest of the world seemingly hasn't caught on yet, so I gots to get my act together if I am ever to find gainful employment elsewhere and teach them the virtues of shucking excellence!

But anyway, I need to get back to what I was supposed to being doing in the first place -- finding those risk management guides. But let me leave with another hilarious quote from this article:

"Women want mediocre men, and men are working to be as mediocre as possible."

THAT starts a whole nutha conversation entirely ROFLMAO

6 de Febrero 2004

2004-02-06T18:56:00.000-05:00

" It looks as bad as I feel...just a mess LOL "

Outside it is truly just a slushy, wet, mushy, icy mess. My lawd, water from the heavens, water on the ground, ice and slush, snow and puddles, everydamnwhere. The power went out briefly this morning and now there's talk of flooding....can I just go home?!?!

And I look as bad as I feel, cuz people keep asking me what's wrong LOL Truth is, I feel the wrath coming on, but so far, that's not what's causing me to look like who did it and ran...this is clearly self-inflicted unattractiveness LMAO I made the mistake of using some new products to clean my skin, and it dried my skin out, particularly harsh around my eyes, and mouth. So I have peeling skin, and it's raw and painful, on my face. My eyelids are sensitive and I really just wanna close my eyes and rest, because my body is tired. My back is still sore from last week's snow removal fiasco. And of course, here comes Aunt Flo, making my legs feel like a ton of bricks. And...since I was stuck waiting on the bus forever the other night, in the below freezing temps, now I feel a cold coming on as well...

And this just really ain't the time...too damn much to do to have a body breakdown right now. But if I can slush my way home, be STILL, undistracted, soothe my skin, and rest, for just a few hours, maybe I can salvage this weekend/week ahead.

Chocolate body butter, and thoughts of planning my next vacation always help....yea, chocolate and sun. Oh I can hardly wait!!

~ More to Come~

3 de Febrero 2004

2004-02-03T18:55:00.000-05:00

" Anita, Phyllis...and whether or not it truly is what it seems.... "

So this morning's Juke Joint pits Anita against Phyllis...that's not even fair!!

They start with "You Bring Me Joy..." Damn....did I say this is completely UNFAIR!!! LOL

"If I can't see your face, I will remember your smile....

But can this be right
or should we be friends
I get lonely sometimes
and I'm mixed up again
'cuz you're the finest thing I've seen in all my life
You bring me joy...."

Then they hit me with "Old Friend"....why oh why oh why!??! LOL

"Old friend, this is where our happy ending begins
Yes, I'm sure this time that we're going to win
Welcome back into my life again..."

It's always amusing to me when I come across someone that "looks" familiar. And even more hilarious when I realize it's an admirer from my online escapades. Coming face to face, unscripted, unintentionally, always give me pause. It's when I put all the pieces together, their photos, their comments, their online persona if you will, and measure that against what is standing in front of me that I tend to realize the digital hides that what is apparent in the real world. The brotha had a lazy eye. All over his head. Not sure where he was focusing. I just smiled, went and found a seat on the train....who woulda thunk it? Thinking to myself, what is not apparent about me digitally that is all too real offline?

Phyllis won... she's definitely a DC favorite...."Can't We Fall in Love Again?"....something like that....

~More to Come~

28 de Enero 2004

2004-01-28T18:54:00.000-05:00

" I have nothing to say... "

Really I don't....

I am a chronic procrastinator. Lawd help me LOL Always wait until the last minute to do any dang thing. And why? For what? Why can't I just get it done right then and there? Maybe because my creative juices don't flow until I am up against the wall, eh? Yeah right, I'm not particularly creative, so that can't be it. Or maybe I just function better under pressure...that might be it. But do I ever live up to my full potential when I am under pressure? I don't think so...Yea, I deliver, but is it ever my best? Hardly. I amaze myself sometimes with what I do come up with, but there's always something better. So why am I fearful of demonstrating my best? What is THAT all about?

Thing is, I am sitting on some stuff now. I really need to go ahead and DO these things so I can move forward. I have about 9, 10 months to the finish line for this part of the journey. I have less than 3 to get out the starting blocks for the next part, so why the hell am I procrastinating?!?!?! Lawd help me LOL

The first day of the rest of your life, so they say....I betta get on with it then!!

~More to come~

25 de Enero 2004

2004-01-25T11:10:00.000-05:00

Bienvenidos al mundo de Morena

Soy ella. Me da alegre que has venido a visitarme.

Espero que me escribas en mi "log" que se pueda volver el favor.

That's a hearty welcome to those of you

que no habla espanol. I need more practice,can't you tell? LOL

I've been playing online, oh I guesssince about 1999. But I have known the bulk

of y'all since the Blaqcity/Urbandour days, meaning the last

couple years or so. So much has changed,yet, much has remained the same, eh?

If nothing else,I remained entertained by it all LOL!!

My task in 2004 is to work on graphics.

Last year,I wanted to get a handle on the

music

the whole FTP thing, using my OWN files.

This year, I wanna concentrate on learning how to

manipulate photos and images.

And as much as I LOVE myself, y'all better

learn to love seeing alot of ME!!LMAO

2004...my time flies.

I literally remember what I was doing 10 years ago!

Who'd a thunk it?

Zhane was rotating through my world

I was working on Capitol Hill

I was falling in love, for the very first time

we were all soon to be 21...official adulthood

watch out world HAHAHAHA LMAO!!

Ten years later, the world is still spinning...

and I am still in one piece, heart, mind, and soul.

My 30s are full of new horizons and challenges,

and for once, I feel "prepared" if you will, to face them.

That "just wing it" feeling isn't so prevalent

and believe it or not I do know SOME things now LOL

Yet, there is still much to learn and experience.

Pray tell, I'll be able to remember it all10 years from NOW!!LOL

I leave you with a current snapshot of

that which moves in Morena's world:

I'm listening to...Rachelle Ferrell

I'm reading...A Love Noire

I'm paying attention to...the 2004 Presidential race

I'm watching...Arrested Development

I'm going...places, and my travel calendar is filling up nicely LOL

Anything else you want insight on, check out my journal

or my pics, they change from time to time.

Don't forget to leave word you were here...

Peace and Blessings ~ Morena

22 de Enero 2004

2004-01-22T18:52:00.000-05:00

"The "challenge" of just being me "

If I have ANY friends by the time this week is over, it'll be a miracle. Whew, lawd. I don't know if folks are just a tad more sensitive than usual, or if I am a tad more harsh, but folks got their thongs and boxers all in a ball this week, over seemingly the littlest ish. Lawd haf mercy!!!

I keep getting reminded of the lil promises I made to work on some thangs, the "challenges" that I must overcome, so to speak. So maybe my viewpoint is different than theirs, but is that a "challenge?" Nah, I don't think so. The "challenge" is for me to even consider their viewpoint at all -- to let go of the "I am always RIGHT" mentality. So when I do concede that theirs is valid, they shouldn't mock me, or take me less than serious. Consider my effort genuine. Perhaps, I need to be reminded from time to time that I have these "challenges" but that is what friends and loved ones are there for -- to keep me on task. No one ever said it would be easy; and yes, I can be quite crass at times, but my peeps know what they are dealing with, so why all of a sudden is everyone tripping?!? I'm trying, really I am!! LOL So, I just need for them to support me in dealing with my "challenges"; Because anything less, and they'll get their feelings hurt again, and we won't be any better off than when we started down this road!!!

And for gods sake, please stop preaching at me. I don't know in what lifetime they thought THAT M.O. would work with me LMAO You learn over time to deal with people individually. You have different methods of interacting, various "pre-emptive strikes" if you will. I got called on one of those today. Ok, so I admit it wasn't a wise choice, and I had to humble myself. Ok fine, lesson learned - change tactics hehehehehe LOL I just wish others would learn that when dealing with me as well. Then maybe we won't have another week like THIS one again anytime soon....

18 de Enero 2004

2004-01-18T18:52:00.000-05:00

" Sunday...early evening "
It's been a weekend, and it ain't ova yet!!

My girlfriend's father passed. Overall, it just hasn't been a good time for her. She was just laid off, her husband is only working p/t, she has a damn orphanage (or at least what us childless friends of hers call an orphanage - 5 kids, under the age of 13, LOL) and her father's body is in Nigeria. So, its been a weekend of raising money to get them all over to the Continent and paying respects to the family. You know how we do, we eat LMAO I feel like I've been slaving in a kitchen the entire weekend!!! I'm just glad I was there when she called. Home sick with a splitting headache, I live the closest to her, I was available and able to get to her first. Like she said, where we work, or where I still work -- it's not about the work, it's about the relationships. That is what we are there for, for I have met and become close to some fabulous, warm, caring women. People that I do consider, friends. And I have never been big on friends at the office. But she has been there for me so many times, I could never repay her enough. So I go, and listen, and comfort, and make sure that damn orphanage is fed LOL

When I haven't been slaving in someone's kitchen, I've been playing negro geography. Can we say splitting headache!?!? I love my girl L, but I just can't stomach pretentious Black folks, lawd haf mercy. And she is so down-to-earth, but her folks!! If somebody asks me what I do, one mo' 'gin....I swear I hate that question...that shit don't define who the fuck I am. The better question is what aren't you doing? Get outta my damn face and work on ya own damn credentials. Negroes, I swear!!!

Sooo...it's the annual back in da day/ol'skool party tonight. Funny thing, calling it a King Day jam. I just don't see booty-shaking, get-ya-groove-on funk sessions as worthy of being called a Dr. King celebration, but what do I know? I'm the one going to hell for dropping it like it's hot to "Shake that booty in the name of Jesus, shake the booty in the name of the Lord!" That really is a song, I couldn't make that up if I tried LMAO

Lemme peel outta these clothes and get up to make this peach cobbler, sweets tend to raise spirits, yanno? LOL

temprano - 18 de Enero 2004

2004-01-18T18:47:00.000-05:00

" My Sensitivity "

I'm having a Luther moment.

This all started when I was in the checkout yesterday and saw the latest Jet with Luther on the cover. Luther look good, ya'll!!! I am so glad he is recovering and I do hope he is well enough to make the Grammy's next month. That would be wonderful to see him in public again.

But, yea so I've pulled out a few of my favorite Luther CDs. Mindtripping down memory lane. I recall when I first "heard" of Luther, "...Creep creep creep creep..." was the hit of the day back then. Little did I know about THAT LMAO Geesh, I had to be like what, 11 or 12? I was in 7th grade, I do remember that because I was being bused to school and always up before the crack of dawn and KJLH always played "Wait for Love" early in the morning, before the 6am show kicked in.....and I would watch the sunrise from my bedroom window with Luther singing: "...so hold on tight if you think you're right, cuz nothin' hurts as bad as when you see, you gave up too easily..." Maybe I know too much about THAT!!

I've always liked the lesser known, less commercially rotated Luther cuts...mostly older stuff, "Anyone Who Had a Heart," "I, Who Have Nothing," "Promise Me," "Forever, For Always, For Love," "Other Side of the World" to name a few.

Then there's "Never Let Me Go." That was soooo gonna be my engagement song, when I first heard it. My daydreams still see me and the Mr. twirling around the dance floor to that tune....

"Give me the right
In summer or in spring time
To tell the world that forever, for always, for love, you'll be mine
and that you'll never let me go"

Sadly, I have that album on cassette, so I don't listen to it much. Maybe I need to give my new tape deck a whirl in the car LOL

Now one song I was never fond of was "Here and Now." That just wasn't my joint. I think it got too much airplay, talk about sick of hearing it LOL But I can't say I have an absolute favorite, cuz the moment I proclaim such, another leaps to mind. "If This World Were Mine," "Make Me a Believer," ....where would I even begin to say I had one favorite? LOL

But in having my Luther moment this evening, I can say my Luther song of the day is "My Sensitivity."

"You tell me that you love me
Before I'm sure you really do
You say you love me more and more each day
And that's when my sensitivity gets in the way"

It's been a day, my emotions are raw, feelings tossed, nerves slightly on edge....definitely sensitive right about now, about quite a few, very personal things. Gonna let Luther continue to soothe my soul this evening.

~More to come~

10 de Enero 2004

2004-01-10T18:46:00.000-05:00

" Protection...is Everything "

Pearl Cleage is one of my favorite authors. I don't think I've disliked a thing she has written. Her latest offering, "Some Things I Never Thought I'd Do" has me reconsidering my top ten list. This is definitely a top 5 favorite.

A couple themes from the text resonated with me; one being protection. At one point, her protagonist, Gina says: "The idea of protection is so central to everything that goes on between men and women, even when we don't admit it. Probably especially when we don't admit it..." Gina goes on to say in reference to the central male figure of the book: "..His unequivocal acceptance of the traditional male role appealed to me on a truly visceral level, but did that mean I had to become a more traditional female to balance things out?"

And I found myself saying, "Yanno?!?!?!" LOL

The other theme that captured my attention was the around the question of what happens next, particularly in love. So Gina goes: "...The question of what lies ahead. The question of what we're getting ready to do. The question of what we will probably upset in the life of the other one. The question of what I'm prepared to give if he really is prepared to take it. To all those questions, I have only one answer: EVERYTHING."

Another, "That's what I'm sayin'" moment here LOL

I think about the relationships I am privvy to witness and I wonder how much of EVERYTHING is really shared, taken, given, received or even welcomed. And the inherent vulnerability in such action. I talk to my sistas and brothas and what I hear is that we all want protection of some sort. No, we don't admit it, but it comes out through our various quests for that one she or he for which everything is EVERYTHING and we can feel protected in knowing they feel the same.

But must I change my role? I've been fairly independent all my life. Liberal in my thinking, at times transgressive in my action. But an admirer of the traditional roles from afar, as to not offend my post-feminist sensibilities. W-h-a-t-e-v-a!! I say bring on the protection. As a woman, what I really need is for a man to act as one, and for me to have the common sense and good will to allow him to. Conversely, he allow me to contribute as a woman can. Be that in all aspects of my life. Protection. When allowed, I believe it can be provided by both men and women to one another. And THAT is the basis for EVERYTHING.

My sistas and brothas, yes, me too....along our various, unique journeys..."Some Things I Never Thought I'd Do".... yea, basically LOL

temprano - 10 de Enero 2004

2004-01-10T18:44:00.000-05:00

" My ish is sooo random.... "

My musical moment of the day, courtesy of:

"Who Do You Love?" by Bernard Wright

"Feel Me" by Cameo

"I Can't Wait" by Soul Tempo
"Weak at the Knees" by Slave or is it solely Steve Arrington?

What I'm liking about this spot is I can clear my head of those silly, crazy, random thoughts about absolute nonsense. Folks can see how touched I really am LOL. Since my "special" side doesn't come through the screen much. It's soo much easier to say things than type them, but y'all don't hear me though, yanno? So we'll see what comes of this....

Oh, add "Hold On" by RJ's Latest Arrival to the song of the day. Circa 1985...Anybody know where I can find that?

Sooo....I had dream about this baby. Not quite certain if it was mine, though. But I was clearly it's primary caretaker. It was so small, so delicate. We're at some kinda spanish-style hacienda. KP was there, as was her betrothed. I get the impression I was visiting her there. And I had to change this baby, although the baby bag didn't have any diapers in it. Not much in the bag at all, but I didn't trip, for some reason I didn't think the baby needed diapers, if I just pulled up his lil draws. Babies don't wear draws, do they?!?! LMAO Plus, he'd be shooting all over the joint, if a diaper didn't tame that thing LMAO. Yea, it was a baby boy. But he didn't cry, he was pretty quiet and slept soundly once I put him down. He didn't have on enough clothes, now that I think about it. He had on a t-shirt, and a diaper once I found one and some baby drawz over that. Clearly this ain't my child cuz he would be bundled up and DRESSED if he was LOL. He was sleeping so soundly and was so little and precious. I remember putting him down, looking out a window, and seeing the pool and jacuzzi and thinking, "Before we go, I need to get in that jacuzzi!" I don't think I ever made it to the jacuzzi cuz the next thing I remember is a cab pulling up and me putting the baby and my things together so we could go. Go where though? Who knows, cuz by that time I rolled over and woke the hell up, not a baby in sight LOL Thank gawd, cuz clearly I ain't ready for this LMAO

3 de Enero 2004

2004-01-03T18:42:00.000-05:00

" Another 5 am.... "

The Chicken and Waffles Part II recap: written sometime the early afternoon of January 1, 2004...

"Fertile Ground lulled us to sleep...we were on the downstroke by this time. Last I looked at my watch it was a quarter to 7am....

25 pounds of chicken - fried and Ken's Teriyaki Special, over 50 waffles, a runaway Spades game, a male bonding session on the porch, and a 5am Milkshake contest (w/ Monica's Baranga remix, tankuberrymuch) later, all I had left to show for it was a broken chair.

Woke up to glorious blue skies -- the ice is still frozen in the cooler and ice buckets outside on the porch. Drinks still cold from being outside overnight. Mo-Ken-Steph, we will help ourselves to some hot waffles and fresh chicken when we finally pick ourselves up off the living room floor.

A very special thanks to those that made it through. We hope you had a damn good time with plenty of good memories! For those of you that missed it, look for the photos soon and part III, next year, is at Felicia's :)

Happy 2004!!"

Well, actually, closer to 30 pounds of chicken wings, about 6 or 7 more waffles, another bottle of that cheap Cook's champagne, a broken waffle iron, and 2 broken chairs by the time I got EVERYONE outta my house come midnight January 1 LOL

I've been up everyday at 5 am since, either on the way to bed or something wakes me up. In any case, I already have confirmation that 2004 is my year of fulfilling growth. Yet, the areas I want to specifically focus on are career and religion.

I'm clearly gonna have to bite the bullet, and do some serious soul searching and attitude adjustment around my career path, options, goals, etc. I need some peace in that area. One way or another I'll change careers, develop new skill sets, and find a position that brings long sought after personal contentment and professional joy, be it in the world of work, or as a full time stay-at-home wife and mom. But my career fulfillment has to be realized, the sooner the better.

My spirituality has never wavered, even as my faith has been tested. My talks with God come more frequently and I am witnessing the power of his spirit. But more is needed for my full and complete sustenance and I have to face my limitations and challenges to acheive that. Safe in HIS arms is where I want to be.

So it's close to 6 now...maybe I should try SLEEP again LOL

24 de Diciembre 2003

2003-12-24T18:39:00.000-05:00

" Free Again "

"It's time to get our groove back; back to life; back to reality
Feeling free; releasing our inhibitions…Time to get our groove back.

Well, memories, they flood the mind;
as the sun, it begins to shine.
Reminiscing on the days gone by;
do you remember those happy times?
Well, I'd give anything to be back there.
We'll just celebrate those happy years, taking time to unwind;
just following your mind and leave your troubles behind.

Go in the power of the positive and higher thing
Feeling a desire to go drifting on a memory.

Oh, anytime we can go there
let our heart and soul be clear.
And if you follow your mind,
your troubles disappear.

So good to be free again, to have a good time.
And I pray this feeling never ends, 'cuz I feel alive…so good to be free again.

Gotta go inside and release the other part of me.
Nowhere else for me to hide. Revelation of a mystery.

Oh, anytime we can go there
let our heart and soul be clear.
And if you follow your mind,
your troubles disappear.

So good to be free again, to have a good time.
And I pray this feeling never ends, 'cuz I feel alive…
So good to be free again, to have a good time.
And I pray this feeling never ends, 'cuz I feel alive…so good to be free again.

So good to be alive again, so good to be free again, so good to be alive…free…

Oh, anytime we can go there
let our heart and soul be clear.
And if you just follow your mind,
your troubles disappear.

So good to be free again, to have a good time.
And I pray this feeling never ends, 'cuz I feel alive…
So good to be free again, to have a good time.
And I pray this feeling never ends, 'cuz I feel alive…so good to be free again.

Vibes…tomorrow will pass; that we all know.
And as each day comes, there's another day that goes, yanno
But ignorance is no shame; it's just blindness to the facts.
But believe, for ignoring it, you're to blame for turning your back.
So, to make the right decision from…hmmm, a thousand voices;
Many that there are, but believe all the choices are few.
So whatcha gonna do? Feel free or be free?
Now THAT’S the question; that the real focus of reality…"

by Soul II Soul circa 1998

20 de Diciembre 2003

2003-12-20T18:38:00.000-05:00

" I stand accused. "

I've been read the riot act a few times since I've turned 30. Guess folks want me to know what they really think. I've been called selfish, self-centered, trifling, crass, cold, uncaring and that's just THIS week. And then Keith says, I don't acknowledge him. Hmmmm....add neglect to the bevy of accusations.

Can I defend myself now?

I beg to differ, self-centered, yes. Selfish, no. There IS a difference.

Crass? Ok, so I am working on that.

Cold, uncaring? Depends on the day, and what the hell you've said/done to me. I won't apologize for that.

Trifling? Yea, I know, I know...clearly I have some things to work on.

And lawd knows I care about that man's fragile feelings....he's part of my growing process. Although he forced me to make a decision this week, and I won't know if it was the "right" one, having him to love, inspires me, everyday.

It's been quite a day, a week!! Coming down off my buzz, taking my meds, and going to bed, whew!!
~More to Come~

17 de Diciembre 2003

2003-12-17T18:37:00.000-05:00

" Mild depression "

I am self-diagnosed, don't ya just love it LMAO

But I am quite sure it has something to do with all the sun I experienced while on vacation and the gloomy chaos of my world once I returned. So a sista is a tad off kilter, experiencing a range of emotions. But a mental health day or two, a big birthday shopping spree, and a day at the spa, and I should be fine LOL.

My girl is back from Ghana. Whew lawd, her emails of tales from Ghana cracked me the hell up. But she ain't happy to be here. You know how it is, she done went to the motherland, got some mandingo dick and don't know how to act HAHAHAHAHA Done fell in love, among other things, and been a mess since she got on the British Airways plane. Missing her man. I have to chuckle, cuz I completely feel her - been there done that, and have signed up for it again. Lawd, why do we do the things we do.

Quote of the week: "I am working on my crassness." Really, I am. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that's hilarious. But yea, I'm older now and the things I might have said as a "grown-azz" young person, don't fly as I am trying to be a "wise-azz" old person LMAO All about learning to be tactful, I suppose. This shouldn't be a struggle, should it? But the fellaz test me everyday. The crack about the ketchup bottle? I had to back away from that, it was too easy. I am trying to be someone's wife and some lil folks momma, I gotta learn to be less crass. Yea. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, whew!!

~More to come~

12 de Diciembre 2003

2003-12-12T18:35:00.000-05:00

" Peace "

I miss Belize. Truly.

7 days of complete relaxation....isolation from the calls and concerns of my existence. I traded for 80 degree days with bright blue sunny skies with lazily moving high clouds; for lush green forests, cool with shade, full of the life of the jungle -- sounds of the chachalacas, the stares from the iguanas, and the fragrance of the spices and flora; for the dusty relics and astonishing heights of the Mayan ruins, temples, the intricacies of the designs that spoke to the intelligence of people some thousands and thousands of years ago; for sinking into a hammock and letting my toesies sink into fine sand while listening to the waves crash softly against the shore while watching the periwinkle, mauve, burnt sienna, and goldenrod hues of the sunrise; for the brush of black snapper against my leg or the thrill of being surrounded by nurse sharks, or the slimy feeling of a moray eel against my fingertips while gazing at the wonder of coral reef; for a glorious, riotous, disturbing the peace, coconut rum and Belikin buzz filled time with 4 of my most adored friends. Who could ask for more?

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

26 de Noviembre 2003

2003-11-26T18:34:00.000-05:00

" Sooo...I've been napping "

And now that means I am gonna be wide-azzed-awake for hours LOL

I needed the rest -- my dreams have been vivid, challenging. Meaning fitful bouts of sleep of late. I do wonder what they are telling me. Such gut-wrenching emotions displayed -- tears, yelling, screaming, outbursts of rage, evil words exchanged; in unfamiliar locales -- whose homes am I in? why is it so seemingly isolated?; the players -- my family, certain friends, faces unknown. It makes no sense at the moment. And when I wake up, I'm left with a feeling that I've been through the wrath -- yet, I can't always remember what it was. Maybe I need a drink HAHAHA...whew!!

What am I thankful for? 'Tis the day before Thanksgiving, one of my favorite holidays and the kick off to my absolute favorite time of the year. I am thankful for every experience life brings me -- I try to capture a lesson from every twist, every turn. Apply it to what comes next so I can grow from the experience in some way.

I am thankful for my gifts, my abilities, my talents and the time and the opportunity to share with those I care for, my family, my friends, my confidants. For the blessings they share with me -- everything is reciprocal and I am rather thankful for that.

I am thankful I awoke from my nap to tap these words out, and now I am hungry. So being thankful for the food that is in the house and that which will provide sustenance tomorrow, I gotta go feed that hunger LOL

May everyone have a blessed day of thanks and giving!!

~More to Come~

20 de Noviembre 2003

2003-11-20T18:32:00.000-05:00

" 5 Bold Steps: 1 Year Later "

A year ago I was in Portland...further developing my leadership potential. I wrote myself a letter:

"...It's time to move forward. Re-tool my next bold steps to achieve my passionate vision. Stop running and step off the spin cycle - stop being tossed around this metaphorical dryer and get folded and fresh. I have a great network of support...to rely on to keep me on task -- reach out and let them know! Stay encouraged -- for so many people have faith in my talents, skills and abilities! I must be confident and appreciative of what I am capable of and know that this situation will improve and that I will reach peaceful contentment and professional joy!!"

6 months ago, I revisited this letter and spoke of promise:
"...Daily I get chances and have choices to make things different. It's springtime now - the proverbial time to begin anew. There is much promise in my world; and I am latching onto that for the rest of the seasons:
Promise . . . in my career development
Promise . . . in my home sphere
Promise . . . on my spiritual path
Promise . . . in my relationship journey
Promise . . . in love."

Where am I? I haven't complete my 5 Bold Steps, and what is this...a year and a half later?! My challenges are still there - scratch that - I've overcome one challenge, but the others remain. What I value hasn't changed: growth and education, feeling good and my well-being, improved, committed relationships and quiet time and personal space. But I am NOT letting my supports do just that - support me. Which is why only 2 of my vision circles have been partially achieved.

I'm becoming "wise." Which means I need to redo this, tailor it to the vision I wish to create for the future as I see it now, not from nearly 2 years ago. Promise is still there, I just need to redefine what it takes to harness that to achieve my goal ----> Peaceful contentment (personal, spiritual, emotional, mental, etc.) and professional joy.

~More to come~

12 de Noviembre 2003

2003-11-12T18:30:00.000-05:00

" Am I being tested? In more ways than one.... "

I got my new car....car numero 4, is it? I did ASK for it afterall. I like it, still loving coupes no need for 4 doors...yet!! But am I still slightly apprehensive about driving, especially in the rain? Vestiges of what has happened....but I am excited about testing the limits, learning what my ride can do!!

I keep getting called up...having to step up to the plate, demonstrate. No longer able to languish in the shadows undisturbed, ready to cause rebellion, be the comic relief, simply be the listener. Why has it taken this long I ask? What is really expected of me? Why do I care? I plug on....

This intrigue has consumed me...declarations of a future intertwined. I asked for this, too, didn't I? I can have it....so where do my questions come from? Is it a desire to not repeat the past? Is it reaffirming and clarifiying what the future holds?

I can't keep putting things off. But am I putting things off so much as trying to handle too much? A reprieve, yea that is what I want....some time OFF for a change. Yep, fall has tested me....I am winding down and making sure to capture the lessons.

~More to Come~

8 de Noviembre 2003

2003-11-08T18:29:00.000-05:00

" I meant to put this up yesterday but never got around to it....I was distracted,imagine that LOL "

KP resigned today, broke my bosses' heart, yes she did!! Ruined his whole weekend. It took him longer than I thought it would to appear in my office, but he finally did, Oreo cookies in hand. He needed to commiserate. Man, his itching and scratching was outta control but at least he wasn't staring at my MoJos like he normally does. Stacey swears the man was crying when he came to ask her if our Sr. VP was in the office today. As usual, I am rather amused. Can't wait 'til Wednesday when the rest of the team returns!! Maybe this is the start of another wave of resignations, cuz lawd knows I can't wait until it's MY turn. My letter is gonna be short: "You've seen me for the last time. Clean my office out, I don't want none of that shit. But Stitch belongs to me. Well, Stich and all my artifacts from Central America - I'ze gonna be expecting that packed up nicely and Fedexed damnit!!" Whew....LMAO

I didn't do jack shit today. It's not gonna get any better. I am gonna get lazier and lazier as the holidays approach. Less than 30 days to 30...ain't gonna be no damn good. I am rethinking whether or not I need malaria meds since SOMEONE done went and caught the 3rd world heebee geebees. He didn't think he'd get sick and did, and I always plan to get sick and don't. Ain't tryna test my luck as I hit the big 3-0.

Heading out...been lazy enough around these hea partz.

5 de Noviembre 2003

2003-11-05T18:27:00.000-05:00

" Starting off... "

First day here....

Sooo....I saw my ex today. First time in over 3 years. THAT was a sign -- yea, I am definitely on the right path NOW. That brief encounter was the closure to our final riotous incident. What lies ahead can proceed unencumbered by trite inquiries of what happened before. It was sooo liberating, and I had no idea I was still shackled....

What lies ahead....will take work. But I want it, I want it passionately and completely and I want it to further shape and define "me." I am not yet convinced it can be as simple as he makes it sound....but never have I wanted anything like this.

~More to Come~

17 de Septiembre 2003

2003-09-17T18:12:00.000-04:00

Soooo...he had me testing myself over at Emode.com today...

Come to find out I am single because I don't want to slow down...
and...
that I am attracted to people that are simply unavailable.

I am also a Hippie Chick!

And I believe I am most attracted to the Renaissance Man, although I've taken the test twice and once I fell for the Jock (Ugh!) and then for the Artiste (better)...

w-h-a-t-e-v-a...as long as he's unavailable LOL

If I knew you were diggin' me, like I was feelin' you, baby...

Is there truth the the fact that women choose men? Or do men actually choose women?

Regardless, I know what my issue is: I never seem to think I am his "type."
I find myself saying that all the time "Oh, I'm not his type...I'm too grounded...It's not that serious...or my favorite: He probably wants an ornament." HA HA HA, whew!!

That's what I need to get past -- cuz a sista wants to get settled and have some lil people of my own, ya heard LOL I DO want to slow down, contrary to what that test says.

When things weren't what they seemed, my pride got the best of me...

yea...basically LOL

31 de Agosto 2003

2003-08-31T18:18:00.000-04:00

This is a journey...
And I welcome you to come along with me. Minimalist is my preferred design mode; however after a summer-long forced hiatus I’m trying some new ideas and themes out. Come find out what I am all about why don’t you?

Vital statistics

Age...::...Damn near 30

Sex...::...Never enough LOL

Location...::...Moving IS an option...where oh where should I go?

Status...::...Soltera, sin ninos y deseo lo el mismo de mi amante...

Effervescent...::...Critical...::...Passionate...::...Loud...::...Shy...::...
Relentless...::...Indifferent...::...Affectionate
...::...Scintillating...::...
and Real!

Soy Morena…that I am. Bienvenidos to my world.

Do you understand what all this means?
“That was twenty years ago”….I find myself saying that often these days. Generally, it’s in jest, but the more I THINK about it, damn if I don’t remember the things I was doing twenty years ago. 1983 to be exact.

I was nine…

The Olympics were coming!! LA county was flush with cash, and the Ol’ Folks thought it would be great for me to spend the summer in NYSP – the National Youth Sports Program, which was conveniently held at Dominguez Hills. All summer long, every sport imaginable to a young 9 year old mind, 500+ children from the neighborhood. Talk about a party LOL I remember the shirts we had – white Tshirts with the red trim, that said NYSP!! And going to the Velodrome where the Olympic cycling events would be held the following year. I don’t even think that thing even exists anymore – last time I rode by it was becoming a soccer stadium, much to the chagrin of Carson locals!

I was definitely a PYT…Pretty Young Thing. Man, Michael Jackson was H-O-T, and Thiller was making history back then!! It seemed like every week, we were watching the “Making of Thriller” video LOL . Admittedly, I had those two posters (one with him wearing the brown leather jacket with the purple background, and the other with him wearing the yellow sweater vest with the white background – don’t ACT like you don’t remember LMAO) on my walls, even though I was more in love with Marlon Jackson back then. I wanted his babies!! HA HA HA…

Going to the 5th grade this time 20 years ago…my 5th grade teacher was Mr. Faith. Math wasn’t then and still isn’t my strong point, and I had to get up early to go to tutoring BEFORE school started. There were 2 other Black girls in my class . . . only a handful of us in the entire school. I keep in sporadic touch with one of the girls to this day. She’s the only person I am in touch with from my elementary school years…

All this just means I am old LMAO

This music is my peace...
My peace. My life. My sustenance. Kinda like air, water, sun. Truly. Unless you count 6 years of piano lessons, I’m really not a “musically talented” individual. But the beats, the sounds, the words…together they speak to my soul. You’re listening to Go Go Ology, a gift to our musical history straight out of Chocolate City. Not where I am from, but where I live. Words and sounds that are currently rotating through my world:

Designated Fool ~ "She's a master...of unbelievable skill..."

Mocha Soul ~ “My sexuality can BE your reality…I am Me…”

Stars ~ “Stars look up at you baby…”

Things Don’t Exist ~ “We begin…in vibrant colors…”

Round 1 is done...leave your mark, let me know you were here -- inspire Round 2, why don't you ~wink~